The same fight, different topics. Dishes. Laundry. Whose turn to call the plumber. Elena knew something deeper was wrong. Lound helped her see what it actually was.
Elena and Tom have been together for 6 years, married for 3. They love each other. They're good together. But lately, every small thing turns into a fight. Last week it was dishes in the sink. The week before, who forgot to pay the electric bill.
Elena knows the fights aren't really about dishes. But she can't figure out what they are about. She starts using Lound to process after arguments, just to get it out of her head.
"We fought about dishes again. I know it sounds stupid. But I spent all day at work, came home exhausted, and there's his cereal bowl from this morning just sitting there. It's not about the bowl. It's that I feel like I'm the only one who sees what needs to be done. Like I'm invisible."
"This time it was the plumber. I asked him three times to call. Three times. He finally did it after I got upset, and then HE was annoyed that I was upset. Like I'm the problem for having to ask multiple times. I don't want to be this person who nags. But what's my alternative? Just do everything myself?"
"We made up last night. It's fine. We're fine. But this morning I caught myself already thinking about what's going to set us off next. That's not how I want to live. That's not the marriage I signed up for."
I've been listening to your entries about Tom. You've used the word "invisible" twice. And "the only one who sees." These fights might not be about chores at all. They might be about being seen. When's the last time you felt truly seen by him?
When did I feel seen by Tom? That's... I don't know. That's a hard question.
Take your time. I looked through your entries about Tom from the past few months. There's a shift. In September, you recorded a whole entry about a surprise dinner he planned. You said he "actually listened" to what you'd been saying about work stress.
The surprise dinner
Sep 12 · "He actually listened..."
I forgot about that. That was before his project got crazy at work.
There it is. His project started in late September. Your first "dishes" entry was October 3rd. The fights started when he stopped having capacity to see you, not when he stopped caring.
What would happen if instead of fighting about dishes, you told him you miss being seen?
That feels terrifying. But also... more true than anything I've said to him in months.
"I told him. Not about the dishes. About feeling invisible. He cried. He said he's been so buried in work he didn't realize how far away we'd drifted. We talked for three hours. Real talking, not fighting. He said he'd been feeling invisible too, but from me. We'd both been so focused on feeling unseen that we stopped seeing each other."
"The dishes are still in the sink. Neither of us cares."
Elena didn't need couples therapy. She needed to understand her own feelings first.
"Invisible" and "the only one who sees" appeared twice. Lound caught the theme.
The fights started when his project did. Context Elena had forgotten.
Not "how do we stop fighting?" but "when did you last feel seen?"
Elena and Tom still argue sometimes. They're human. But now when Elena feels the familiar frustration rising, she pauses and asks herself: "Am I actually upset about this, or am I feeling unseen again?" Nine times out of ten, it's the second one. And now she has the words to say it.
Sometimes the same fight keeps happening because you haven't found the real issue yet. Lound helps you see what's underneath, before the next argument starts.