Why Talking to Yourself in Third Person Actually Works: The Science of Self-Distancing

You’ve probably caught yourself doing it. Standing in front of the mirror before a big presentation, muttering “Come on, Sarah, you’ve got this.” Or after a mistake, hearing your inner voice say “What were you thinking, Mike?”

Most advice tells you to use positive first-person affirmations. “I am confident. I am capable. I am enough.”

But here’s what the research actually shows: talking to yourself in third person—using your own name or “you” instead of “I”—is significantly more effective for managing stress, making decisions, and regulating emotions.

It sounds ridiculous. It feels ridiculous. And it works.

The Research Behind Self-Distancing

Ethan Kross, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter, has spent over a decade studying self-talk. His findings challenge everything we thought we knew about positive affirmations.

In a series of studies, Kross and his colleagues found that people who used their own name or “you” when talking to themselves:

• Performed better under pressure with less anxiety
• Made wiser decisions about personal dilemmas
• Recovered faster from negative experiences
• Generated less activity in brain regions associated with rumination

The mechanism is something psychologists call psychological distance. When you say “I’m so anxious about this presentation,” you’re stuck inside the experience. When you say “Sarah, you’re anxious about this presentation—what would you tell a friend feeling this way?”—you’ve created space between yourself and the emotion.

That space changes everything.

Why First-Person Self-Talk Often Backfires

Here’s the problem with “I” statements during stress: they keep you trapped in the spiral.

“I can’t believe I said that.” “I always mess up.” “I need to calm down.” (Which, of course, makes you less calm.)

First-person language during emotional moments activates the same neural pathways as experiencing the event itself. You’re not processing the anxiety—you’re reliving it.

Research from the University of California found that first-person rumination (“Why do I feel this way?”) actually increases distress. But distanced self-talk (“Why does Sarah feel this way?”) promotes genuine insight without the emotional flooding.

This connects to the distinction between productive reflection and harmful rumination. Self-distancing keeps you on the productive side.

Voice Amplifies the Effect

Reading about self-distancing is one thing. Speaking it out loud is another.

When you verbalize self-distanced thoughts, three things happen:

You can’t hide from the awkwardness. Saying “Come on, you’ve handled harder things than this” forces you to commit to the perspective shift. Internal thoughts are slippery. Spoken words have weight.

You hear yourself as others hear you. The shift to “you” or your name naturally activates the same mental framework you use when advising a friend. And we’re consistently better at giving advice than taking it.

The affect labeling compounds. Speaking emotions out loud already reduces their intensity. Combining that with self-distancing creates a double effect—you’re naming the emotion AND creating distance from it simultaneously.

How to Actually Do This

The technique is simple but feels strange at first. Here’s how to start:

Before Stressful Situations

Instead of “I need to nail this presentation,” try:

“Okay [your name], you’ve prepared for this. What’s the first thing you want them to remember?”

During Emotional Flooding

Instead of “I’m so angry right now,” try:

“You’re angry. What’s underneath that? What do you actually need here?”

After Mistakes

Instead of “I can’t believe I did that,” try:

“[Your name], that happened. What would you tell your best friend if they did the same thing?”

For Decisions

Instead of “What should I do?” try:

“What would you advise [your name] to do if they came to you with this problem?”

The key is speaking these out loud, not just thinking them. Voice creates accountability and activates different cognitive pathways than silent thought.

The 2-Minute Voice Reset Using Self-Distancing

When you’re spiraling, try this:

1. Start recording a voice note (or just speak out loud)
2. Describe what’s happening using your name: “[Name], you’re stressed about the meeting tomorrow because…”
3. Ask yourself a question in second person: “What’s the worst realistic outcome here? And what would you do if that happened?”
4. Answer as if advising a friend
5. Close with one action: “Okay [name], the one thing you’re going to do right now is…”

Total time: about two minutes. Effect: you’ve externalized the worry, created distance, and generated a next step—all without the blank-page anxiety of written journaling.

This Isn’t Just for Crisis Moments

Self-distancing through voice works for everyday clarity too:

• Morning intention: “What matters most to you today, [name]?”
• End-of-day processing: “[Name], what did you learn today that you want to remember?”
• Creative blocks: “What would you tell [name] to try next?”
• Decision fatigue: “[Name], if you had to decide in the next 60 seconds, what would you choose?”

The consistent shift from “I” to “you” or your name prevents the collapse into first-person rumination that turns reflection into spiral.

Why This Feels Weird (And Why That’s Fine)

Let’s be honest: talking to yourself in third person sounds like something a villain does in a movie. Or a toddler.

But consider this: elite athletes do it constantly. LeBron James famously refers to himself in third person in interviews. Malala Yousafzai described telling herself “Malala, you must be brave” before dangerous situations.

The discomfort you feel is actually part of why it works. The slight cognitive disruption of switching to third person forces you out of autopilot rumination patterns. You can’t spiral in the same old grooves when you’re using a different linguistic framework.

The Science Is Clear, Even If It Feels Silly

Self-distanced self-talk isn’t positive thinking. It’s not affirmations. It’s a cognitive tool that leverages how your brain processes language differently depending on perspective.

Kross’s research shows it takes the same amount of mental effort as first-person self-talk but produces measurably better outcomes: less anxiety, better performance, faster emotional recovery, and wiser decisions.

Speaking it out loud—rather than just thinking it—amplifies every benefit. You’re combining verbalization, affect labeling, and psychological distance into a single practice that takes seconds.

You don’t need to believe it will work. You just need to try it once when you’re stressed and notice what happens.

[Your name], you might be surprised.